Please validate it for me - Don’t fix it for me!

Anytime there is an overwhelmingly common discussion in my sessions with couples I feel compelled to share it. This topic has been on my list for a while...

Being able to freely share insecurities and frustrations about our individual personal life with our person is one of the many perks of being in a healthy partnership. Unfortunately I have seen one too many situations where sharing becomes scarce in a relationship, due in part to the response not being what they needed over and over again. Between the “I share often with my partner” and “I wish I could share with my partner” is where disconnection loves to live. This is Friendship 101 and it’s crucial to a happy relationship.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients mention how frustrated they are with their partners when they come to them with an issue (outside of their relationship) and it’s met with “Well you should’ve done...” or “If I were you...” instead of “I can see where you would be upset” or “That must’ve been hard,” for example.

In these cases it is good to remember that you don’t have to completely UNDERSTAND where your partner is coming from to APPRECIATE their feelings. We are all wired differently (thankfully). The way that your brain processes a life issue is typically much different than how your partner’s brain takes it in. Accept it as THEIR feeling, sympathize with it and then validate their feelings. In short - validate it, don’t fix it. You don’t have to agree with them to support them, I promise. 

If you have something you’d like to share with your partner then set the stage. Expecting that your partner “should know” whether you simply need to just dump your feelings versus you need their help finding a solution is unfair. Note to self: Assuming my partner can mind read is rarely a good default in ANY situation. Be CLEAR with your partner on what you need in that moment before you begin the conversation. “I just need to vent right now” is a good place to start. All parties are clear on the expectation at hand. If you’d appreciate their input on a solution then make a commitment together to always ask for it first. If you don’t ask, then they can lean into active listening without interruption to ensure you truly feel heard.

In the end, feeling truly heard and validated feels like true love.