Please validate it for me - Don’t fix it for me!

Anytime there is an overwhelmingly common discussion in my sessions with couples I feel compelled to share it. This topic has been on my list for a while...

Being able to freely share insecurities and frustrations about our individual personal life with our person is one of the many perks of being in a healthy partnership. Unfortunately I have seen one too many situations where sharing becomes scarce in a relationship, due in part to the response not being what they needed over and over again. Between the “I share often with my partner” and “I wish I could share with my partner” is where disconnection loves to live. This is Friendship 101 and it’s crucial to a happy relationship.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients mention how frustrated they are with their partners when they come to them with an issue (outside of their relationship) and it’s met with “Well you should’ve done...” or “If I were you...” instead of “I can see where you would be upset” or “That must’ve been hard,” for example.

In these cases it is good to remember that you don’t have to completely UNDERSTAND where your partner is coming from to APPRECIATE their feelings. We are all wired differently (thankfully). The way that your brain processes a life issue is typically much different than how your partner’s brain takes it in. Accept it as THEIR feeling, sympathize with it and then validate their feelings. In short - validate it, don’t fix it. You don’t have to agree with them to support them, I promise. 

If you have something you’d like to share with your partner then set the stage. Expecting that your partner “should know” whether you simply need to just dump your feelings versus you need their help finding a solution is unfair. Note to self: Assuming my partner can mind read is rarely a good default in ANY situation. Be CLEAR with your partner on what you need in that moment before you begin the conversation. “I just need to vent right now” is a good place to start. All parties are clear on the expectation at hand. If you’d appreciate their input on a solution then make a commitment together to always ask for it first. If you don’t ask, then they can lean into active listening without interruption to ensure you truly feel heard.

In the end, feeling truly heard and validated feels like true love. 

IF YOU HAVE A POSITIVE THOUGHT ABOUT YOUR PARTNER - SHARE IT!!! 💭

Many couples are left wondering on a daily basis if their partner is still “in to them.” 🤔 It’s an easy place to be within a relationship, due to the fact that we stop expressing admiration for each other as frequently as time goes on. It’s not that the loving thoughts are no longer there, although we may assume this is indeed the case. Most of the time they are still floating around in our partner’s head. “I’m so glad I am with him.” “She is such a good mom!” “We make a great team.” 

The void of those feel good comments is usually because we have simply stopped making it a priority to express them. If whispering sweet nothings isn’t your thing then write it out on a sticky note, text it during the day or scribble it on the mirror in lipstick. 💄 It doesn’t matter how you do it - JUST DO IT! Letting positive thoughts out is essential in a happy relationship. If you think it, say it!!! As Madonna would say, express yourself! 

“IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT, DO DIFFERENT!”

This is one of my absolute favorite mantras! It is probably the one I repeat to myself the most in life. In fact, I apparently say it so often to my friends and family that one of my dearest friends said, “You should write about this Jill.” Great idea! 

The good news is that this mantra works for so many areas of our lives. Work, relationships, personal goals, mundane tasks around the house, etc. That’s precisely why I love it so dang much. 

Now this mantra doesn’t have to only be used with the BIG things in life... the little things can benefit from this mindset as well. 

*A personal example of a little thing... 

My closet is the one area of my house that I flat out let myself 80%. I’m a recovering perfectionist and years ago a wise woman told me that you simply can’t 100% everything in your life. I must say it’s a much happier way to exist. So I took that advice when it came to perfecting my closet - but if we are being real, I had been allowing my closet to be more like 35%. 😬

Week after week I would beat myself up over the thread bomb that was my closet and I made every excuse in the book to justify it... until I sat down in the middle of my pile of apparel and had a heart to heart with myself. If I wanted different, then I needed to DO different! So I put a DIFFERENT plan in place... New plan = If it takes less than one-minute then I will put it away right then and there, versus chucking it on the floor. Simple! Me, myself and I are back to being friends with my 80% organized closet. 

The same logic goes for the bigger things in life. Stop making excuses, be honest with yourself about what you want and make a plan to ensure it happens! After all, according to Einstein (smart man) insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - so IF YOU WANT DIFFERENT, DO DIFFERENT!!!

“WHAT DO OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME?”

This week brought about another opportunity to speak with an incredible group of local women (thanks to my dear friend from college). We talked about MANY things but one that stood out to me was a thought that many of us struggle with on the daily... What do other people think of me? It’s a common thought. A very common, very human thought. So what do we do about it when we have it?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

I’m sure some of you may have heard the notion “Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.” I agree with that to a point but before we dismiss the thought, I think we need to ask ourselves a question. “Does this person know my true heart?” If the answer is yes, then maybe you should listen to the feedback they are trying to send your way - because in the end we should care about what our best friend thinks of us, what our partner thinks of us, or what our kids think of us (just to name a few). Those people who truly know our heart matter and therefore their opinions matter. Now - YOU get to decide what you do with that feedback but I think LISTENING to it and taking the time to at least reflect on it IS our business. 

If the answer is “No. (Insert name here) doesn’t truly know my heart”... then I kindly ask you to remember this oh so powerful quote: “People are unhappy because 99.9% of their thoughts are about themselves.” ~R. Siegal 

Bottom line - (Insert name here) isn’t thinking about us for more than .1% of their time anyway (if at all), so let our concern/assumption about what they may or may not think of us be as fleeting as their thoughts of us actually are in all reality.

2 Healthy People = 1 Healthy Relationship

As the song goes, “It takes two! It takes two! Me and you!”

It takes TWO healthy individuals in order for a relationship to have a shot at being consistently stable and happy. 

If we want a healthy relationship, guess what?

We have to love OURSELVES first people!

Are you giving yourself enough self-love?

Here are just a few of the many ways that we can mentally learn to love ourselves more: 

*Watch HOW you are talking to yourself!

Filter your negative self-talk as much as possible. Bottom line - if you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, why are you saying it to yourself?

*Focus on what you DO have versus what you don’t! There is always something positive to focus on, even if it’s a small thing. Gratitude is one of the keys to happiness and essential in truly loving your life!

*Stay away from assumptions! We unnecessarily suffer so much by assuming we know what others are thinking. Don’t beat yourself up over a made-up “fact” in your head. Before you let yourself get stuck in the web of assumption, ask yourself - Is this an assumption or a fact?  

⚠️ COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF HAPPINESS

I recently had the opportunity to speak to a group of local women about the negative spin that comparison can put on our lives. I discussed many tools to help us compare less, including self-love, but today I’m going to focus on one in particular. 

Although healthy comparison can be self-motivating, often times it isn’t balanced. Society has created a lifelong adolescence of sorts with the existence and overuse of social media. It’s developmentally typical to compare yourself to a great degree in your early years but it’s also typical for that to naturally decrease with age, at least that’s how it used to be. 

Due to social media, we now know what Sally Sue who you sat by in middle school is feeding her child or where she is going on vacation over spring break. We never would’ve known this had we not had access to FaceBook and others of its kind. Multiply this by the number of “friends” you have on social media and here in lies an over abundance of opportunities to compare ourselves to others to an unhealthy degree. So how can we get around this societal shift?

I have a challenge for you... Intentionally limited your exposure to social media for a week. Pick only ONE day that you will allow yourself to login and look. You can even give it a fun name like “Social Media Saturday.” See how you feel mentally after a week of not having your daily dose of all things digitally social, with a bonus of being more present in your day-to-day life. You’ll be surprised at how often your moods were affected by what you saw on the news feed and you may notice how little you are unnecessarily comparing yourself to others, due to its absence. You never know... you may just want to make “Social Media Saturday” a way of life.  

Overthinking is the biggest cause of unhappiness

Are you struggling emotionally lately? You are not alone. This time of year is hard for many people! The cold weather along with the absence of sun is no fun long term. Vitamin D supplements to the rescue! Here’s another mental health tip to help get us through this cold and dreary season:

If you find yourself “borrowing worry” from the future with the what ifs, remind yourself that NO AMOUNT OF WORRY IS GOING TO CHANGE THE OUTCOME IN THE END. I know, I know... much easier said than done but it’s worth a try!

Overthinking truly gets us no where friends. Keep your mind on TODAY and take a deep breath! The bright warm sun is coming again... I promise. ☀️

Get out and connect with others

Winter sure is wearing out it’s welcome, huh? Enough is enough... A good way to escape the winter blues is by connecting with others! When was the last time you got out and did something fun? Or had someone over who makes you belly laugh? Who says we have to wait for warmer weather... no more waiting on spring to show! 🌸

We naturally hibernate in the winter and for a while it can be a good thing but after months and months of it our psyche is ready for a change.

Connecting with others is a BIG part of elevating our moods. If we go too long without connection, we can feel it. Let’s get out of the house, grab a friend or two and lift those spirits! It will do wonders for our cold weather funk.

It’s time to pick your BACK POCKET SONG!!!

Are you in a funk today?!?!

It’s time to pick your BACK POCKET SONG!!!

🎶 Music can be incredibly therapeutic! As a dancer for 20 years, I have used music to elevate my moods on countless occasions. Naturally I ask my clients to choose a song they can have in their “back pocket” and use as a tool in those moments when a little extra joy is needed in their lives.

They say that most people’s favorite songs are typically from adolescence. For me personally, it is nearly impossible to be in a mood when Madonna or Prince is blaring through my speakers. Think about what song or artist does that for you...

We don’t always have the time in our day to do activities that we know will lift our spirits, such as exercise. When that is the case, music is easy to weave into your day! Whether you are driving in your car or doing stuff around the house, turn on your BACK POCKET SONG and sing your heart out! Watch what happens... 🎶

Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.

When I saw this statement on Brene Brown’s page, I had a flood of thoughts when it comes to how it relates to relationships. So I thought I would share...

As a relationship therapist, I see just how much being unclear can interfere with the general flow of EVERY relationship in our lives, not just a romantic one. So many unnecessary negative emotions flare up when we aren’t clear about our boundaries, our true feelings, our expectations (just to name a few) within our relationships. 

We are ALL seeing life through different lenses and our perception is our reality. If we don’t clearly communicate how WE are experiencing something within a relationship from our perspective then resentment builds, assumptions take over on both parts and before you know it, a mountain is made of a mole hill! Simply by not being clear.

By not being clear we are subconsciously (or consciously) hoping that our partner/friend/family member/co-worker just figure it out without ALL the information and when they don’t we are disappointed! It’s like expecting them to put together a puzzle without all the pieces - it’s unrealistic and impossible to see the full picture. As hard as it may be to say, at least give them a chance to understand where our head is by being clear - otherwise it can become an unfair expectation and that’s where the unkind part comes in. Often the other side of the relationship has no idea we are struggling with a specific issue (remember-they have their own lense too) and they are grateful when it is shared. I see this in my office all the time!!!

Let’s be kind in our relationships by being super clear on all fronts. In an emotionally safe relationship, it’s a GOOD thing to honestly and clearly communicate in the long run... even when it’s hard. Think of it this way - Isn’t it harder to live with the ongoing resentment then it is to clearly speak your truth and get through it? Just remember when doing so that it’s typically not what we say but HOW we say it. It’s important to be intentional with our words.

Now go forth and be clear with your bad self... and others in your life! 😉